Stuckness

It feels like I’ve released a lot of old stories and haven’t fully crafted new ones, so I am left with this aching sense of nakedness. This visceral and very palpable dread of a Self capitalized in Nothingness.

And in that nothingness, there I am.

Not in a way that makes me feel that I am nothing, but more so, this odd feeling that we are just as much nothing as we are everything. That even in moments where we feel as if we have somehow become non-existent without a familiar identity to cling to, we feel it fully and therefore, are aware of how deeply alive we still are. Even in feeling stuck, we feel the stuckness completely.

And isn’t stuckness also a sort of silent proof that something exists in front of us? Can’t you also sense that you are being pulled somewhere?

And even though the awareness of the gap feels like some sort of cruel punishment, perhaps it is also a gift.

Because to be aware of the gap is to be deeply tuned into one of the most difficult things a human can do: To stay with your Self when the Self feels unrecognizable.

Not because you have lost yourself.

Not because you are doing something wrong.

Not because you have somehow missed the mark.

But because you have done something of utmost courage and resilience, which is to let go of an identity, a belief system, a way of being.

To actively choose to stay in discomfort if it means a life that feels truly yours, even if you can’t fully understand it yet. To revoke a perhaps easier path to the eyes, but to the soul; a life that would appear caged and restrained.

To observe how your Ego squirms as you branch out into the great unknown, and rather than see this as a sign of defeat, you acknowledge the humanness of it all.

And decide that some discomforts are bigger than others. Some cages bigger than other cages.

In other words, you decide that if you are going to live, you might as well remain with yourself and beside yourself in all of its phases, not because they are easy or well-paved but because they are yours and yours alone.

And isn’t that something worth celebrating, too?